When you’re about to embark on a new chapter in life—whether as a bride or an expectant mom—a shower is often a part of the celebration. But the question of etiquette can quickly arise. Should you ask for a shower? Is it okay to host your own? How do you navigate guest lists, gifts, and thank-yous?
Let’s dive in!
Should You Ask Someone for a Shower?
In my opinion, no. Hosting an event is not only expensive but also time-consuming. If someone wants to take on this role, it's truly a gift and blessing. However, it shouldn’t be something you ask for or expect. A shower is meant to be a celebration offered by others out of love and excitement for you, not a request you make. If no one steps up, consider finding other ways to celebrate this time in your life.
Is It Uncouth to Host Your Own Shower?
Yes and no. The reality is that people's tribes and villages are shrinking, and the role of hostess seems to be getting lost with newer generations. It’s understandable if you’re in a situation where no one offers to host. Still, it’s better to invest in items you need or put money toward bills than to shoulder the cost of a party. If you want to mark the occasion, treat yourself to a relaxing spa day instead! That way, you can celebrate without the stress of throwing an event.
What About Virtual Showers?
In today’s world, virtual showers have become more popular, and they require some extra consideration. If someone is hosting a virtual shower for you, the same rules of grace and gratitude apply. Keep in mind that even virtual events take time and planning. When it comes to the guest list, help your hostess by ensuring that everyone is comfortable with the virtual format and that any tech issues are addressed beforehand.
So, Someone Wants to Host a Shower for You What Are the Rules?
Once you have someone eager and excited to host, it's essential to follow these etiquette tips to ensure the experience is smooth and enjoyable for all.
1. Be Gracious
It’s okay to provide input on themes or food, but remember that it’s up to the hostess to host. Avoid expecting a Pinterest-perfect experience, especially if it’s outside of the hostess's means. Don’t request a $300 custom cake if you know it's not feasible. Be mindful of the costs and let the hostess decide how she wants to celebrate you. And remember: if things go wrong, stay gracious. Your hostess(es) is doing this out of love.
2. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Provide your guest list early and keep your hostess informed about any changes. If you’re not a fan of party games, communicate that upfront. For instance, when I had my baby shower, I wanted to avoid games but loved the idea of a diaper raffle (and I provided the gifts). For a bridal shower, you could adapt this by offering raffle tickets to guests who contribute to a honeymoon fund. Clear communication sets expectations and makes the planning process smoother for everyone.
3. Ask What They’re Comfortable With
Before you start building a guest list, talk to your hostess about what she’s comfortable with in terms of guest count and venue. She may only have space for 10 people in her home, or her budget might allow for a small luncheon instead of a large event. Always ask what works best for your hostess before making plans.
4. Hostess Gifts Are a Must
Thank your hostess for all the hard work she’s put into planning and preparing for your shower. A small but thoughtful gift is a wonderful way to express your appreciation. I love gifting an expensive candle, a tea towel, and a pre-written thank-you card. These items are my go-to because who doesn’t enjoy something lovely for their home?
5. Be Present and Engaged on the Day of the Party
Even though you’re the guest of honor, it’s important to be mindful of everyone in attendance. Don’t spend all your time with one person or just hang out with your best friends. Make a point to give attention to guests you don’t see often, and remember that your presence is what makes the day special for others, too.
6. Handling Disappointments
If something doesn’t go according to plan, keep it to yourself. Hosting a party is a big undertaking, and your hostess went out of her way to honor you. If you’re disappointed, talk it over privately with your partner later. There’s no need to hurt feelings over something that didn’t meet your expectations.
7. Managing Difficult Guests
Sometimes, someone perhaps a mother-in-law or a friend wants to steal the spotlight. My advice: stay humble. If you know your MIL likes attention and might show up in a sash and crown, find a way to diffuse the situation gracefully. For example, you could bring sashes and crowns for everyone, or simply set your expectations mentally before the event. Not everyone is going to play by the rules, but you can choose how you react.
8. Send Thank You Cards
Everyone at the party should receive a thank-you card, whether they brought a gift or not. A handwritten note is not just a formality—it’s a genuine way to show your appreciation. If you’re unsure how to word them, check out my post on why thank-you cards matter and how to make them extra special.
To Open Gifts or Not to Open Gifts?
This is the new question. My advice: it depends. If you have a crowd of more than 30 people, it’s better to spend time chatting and enjoying each other’s company. If your group is smaller, and you think people are interested, go ahead and open gifts. Just be mindful of the guest list size and the overall vibe—your goal should be to enjoy the company, not to make the event feel like it’s all about presents.
Multiple Showers
If you’re lucky enough to have multiple showers (one from family, another from friends or co-workers), it’s important to treat each with the same grace. Make sure not to overlap guest lists, unless invited to both, and express gratitude equally at each event.
Virtual Showers and Smaller Showers
Virtual and intimate gatherings have become increasingly common, and it’s important to approach them with the same enthusiasm. For a virtual shower, you can still create a fun atmosphere with digital games, virtual toasts, and unique themes. Keep in mind that etiquette doesn’t change; communicate early, be grateful, and send out thank-you cards to everyone who attended—even virtually.
Post-Shower Etiquette
After your shower, staying in touch with your hostess is a nice gesture. Whether it’s a follow-up text or grabbing a coffee as a personal thank-you, it’s important to let your hostess know how much you appreciate her efforts. It’s not just about the party, but about the thought and time she put into celebrating your big life moment.
Registry Information and Invitations
One final note: let your hostess be the one to send out registry information. It’s a better look to have the hostess include the details rather than you. As for the invitations, while formal invites are lovely, e-vites can work just as well these days, especially for casual or virtual events.
In the end, a shower is about celebrating you and this new chapter in your life. The rules of etiquette help ensure everyone has a good time, and you can enjoy the day without added stress. Be gracious, communicate clearly, and remember that a little thank-you can go a long way.
So what do you think? Do you agree? Share your thoughts, stories and opinions below.
Until Next Time,
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